i am getting the hankering for some travel. however, i am lacking the funds and the time. oh to be a restless soul. sometimes i wonder if part of my restlessness is because i run away from difficult decisions and phases in life that seem to just hang (you know when people ask you what's new and you have no answer. i hate that). like, if i don’t get into med school this time around then i just want to get the heck out. but why can’t i just stay here? i love hamilton more and more, i’ve found a church (however i need to make new friends...and that takes time), all my old (and awesome!) friends are here. so why do i want to leave? its not that i don’t want to come back. coming back is the best part. maybe I just love adventure, and there is nothing wrong with that. and in my heart of hearts, i want to settle down, have a family, etc, so maybe i run away because it isn’t happening and then i can make the easy excuse for why it isn’t happening. this fact is easily my biggest struggle in life. why am i alone? i believe that God made me to be in relation with another human being on the most intimate of levels. so why hasn’t it happened? i know there probably isn't an answers for this. but seriously. why.
i also hate that it always comes back to this. this self-pitying ending to all my thoughts. its an endless cycle, to be honest. i do love my life but i want more out of it than i have right now. but i should just be content. but how do you get to that point? and then im like, if i follow the secret formula, get it right and then boom! i'll get what i want. but there is no formula. and i don't feel like i sit around waiting for my life to happen. i try to take each opportunity and make the most out of it but i still get that feeling of....there has got to be more than this. SOOOOOO....im back to the beginning. this cycle has to end somewhere. i am making myself angry while i write this. GRRRRR.
and now i am tired. le end.
