I don't even know what to think...

I have so many thoughts right now.....I just sat in my bed for about 20 minutes looking at my walls and thinking about life and weddings and all of my friends. One of my dearest friends Trev just told me he is engaged to his girlfriend of 5 and a half months. He is super excited and I am very happy for them. But I have mixed feelings and I have no idea why. Sometimes I just get so....confused and caught up in things and it drives me nuts. I think the reason why I have mixed feelings is not because I am jealous that yet another one of my friends is getting married, or maybe it is that, but he is prolly one of thee most amazing guys I know and he is officially taken. And he is going to be so good to her...and he is just thee perfect guy to marry because he loves God, first and foremost and he knows what he wants out of life, and he is stable and has a job and he just loves life and loves her. And because of all that, he will just be an amazing husband. And after three months of dating Janice, he knew that he wanted to be with her for the rest of their lives. That is amazing. And I honestly don't even know why I am writing about this but I just can't stop thinking about it. And just....ack, I don't know. I wish I could just sort out of my thoughts, and only think them once and then have them on store if I wanted to read them again and not have them replaying in my head. Okay, so, I am happy for them. The wedding is August 20th...(the fourth wedding I will be going to this summer)...and it will be good and I pray that God will bless them abundantly in their lives together as Trev has blessed me so much from knowing him for the past 5 years. Phew...now hopefully I can get some sleep. No, I can't..there is still something bugging me.....what the heck is it? I listened to Trev and I's song "Your Everything" by Keith Urban and it just made me sad....and I know this is going to sound totally selfish and horrible but I have to let go of him now. He's not mine anymore....he has promised himself to another woman and...it just kind of changes things. That doesn't even make sense.....but like, we went out..and it didn't work out because of age differences and timing but had that have been right, it could have been me. But...that is horrible. He found her, God chose her for him. I need to get over this. I am ridiculous. sorry for you who are reading this...but I think I figured it out....basically, when is it going to be my turn? And God shouts in my face "When I decide!!!!" I need to get that through my head. Out.

PBPGINFWMY

Okay, so this past week was absolutely nuts.. I had midterms coming out the wazoo, tests everywhere and work and everything else on top of that! But I didn't get really stressed out over anything because 1) that isn't really my style, I tend to take things in stride 2)when I am 30, I am not going to even think about this crazy week, so that is a comforting thought for me. But anyways, I am working my way through the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. (And if you haven't read this book, you need to!) and I read a chapter the other day that just hit home so much for me that I read it twice! I am a very impatient person by nature and I try to make things happen on my own but it never really works out (hence my past relationships) so....here are some highlights of the chapter and my thoughts....
"While we worry how fast we grow, God is concerened about how strong we grow." And it is so true too...I am always like, "I'm not as mature in my Christianity as other my age or why can't I learn this lesson right now and move on and be stronger just like that?" But it does take time...and although it takes forever to mature, what really matters is how strong we grow in our faith. Not how much time it takes to do so.
"You may think you have surrendered ALL of your life to him, but the truth is, there is a lot to your life that you aren't even aware of. You can only give God as much of you as your understand at that moment." When I read that sentence, I was just like "that is exactly what I needed to hear"....I have always struggled with letting God into every part of my life, my school life, my relationships with friends, even with my parents. But really, you can only let him in if you understand how to do it...and if you don't understand that part of your life, there is no way God can come in and work in it. But it is a good thought to know that it is kind of impossible to surrender all of you to God right away and that he will slowly make his way through your whole life and we know this without a doubt "he who began a good work in your will carry it on to completion" (Phil. 1:6)
And then the book goes to say that even though you may not be able to see God working in your life, you have to believe that He is and that you have to be patient with God and yourself. Which is a huge thing for me...but I am working on it. "God is never in a hurry, but he is always on time. He will use your entire lifetime to prepare you for your role in eternity." Wow. That is an awesome thought. Our role in eternity...haha, the other day I was thinking, maybe I will be an angel in heaven! (I was wearing a halo for a costume at the time!)
so Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet..and God is not finished with you yet, so "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called US heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 3:14).
Peace out.

There is no other feeling like freshly shaven legs...

Wow...I just love being clean. And I like water. And I love getting e-mails from old friends!! I like hearing how people are doing and what the heck they are up to. But I have also been getting bad news...and it usually comes in threes...but in this case four, kinda.
1) Angie's young neighbour of 17 died in a car accident with four of her friends. One also died and three were injured. That is brutal news and my heart and prayers go out to the family and friends of the girls. I pray that God places an unexplainable peace on your hearts and comforts you like nobody's business. He has a plan from all of this, but I know it is easy for me to say that. I am sorry for your loss.
2) A guy that I went to highschool with for a couple years, and is a friends mother passed away on Monday after battling with cancer for a few years. Even though they had time to prepare for her death...it still is such a shock that I can't imagine. I have no idea if she was saved and I pray that she was for she would be in a far better place and with our Lord God.
3) Another friend from highschool, Casie Shortridges grandma passed away as well. I'm not sure why but that is tough. I am not especcially close to my grandparents but it would suck very much to have one of them leave.
4) Jen Bakers sister was planning on moving out of her house (she is 16) but now she is not because her friends talked her out of it (Praise the Lord!) May God move in might ways in her heart so she has a complete turn around. I pray that she deals with what is bugging her and may the lines of communication between her parents and her be open and together they can find some middle ground. Thank goodness God is watching out for her!
So...that is my bad news streak. Sometimes I wish I was hit with stuff this tough so I could be broken and have to pick up my pieces and trust God unconditionally. But of course I don't want bad stuff to happen...but the branches have to be pruned in order to bear fruit (John 15:3-5) Maybe I am being pruned but don't know it....I pray that God shows me when I am being pruned so I notice and learn things from it. Sometimes I am so busy just living that I don't notice oppurtunities to apply my faith. Isn't that horrible? I want to notice!!! Put it right in my face God, right here so I can't help but notice!! Lord, give me tough stuff so I can praise your name in suffering!! A wise man (by the name of Wes Farquharson) told me that in ALL situations, we need to say out loud "Praise the Lord!!!!" So I say PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Confusion is just confusing...

It is probably a really good thing that I have this outlet for me to type all my thoughts down because I can't handle writing stuff down...I am not a writer, I am a typer. So, I had a good conversation today with a very good friend and it is just so nice to be really honest and just say whatever you are thinking. Whether positive or negative things are said, you know that that person will be there and has your back. It is a good feeling.
School is getting to be pretty busy and I am almost at that point where I don't care anymore. But hopefulyl I will be able to hang on for a few more days to get these darn midterms over with and then I am basically done alot of work until finals. And then I will be half way done my second year of University!! That is ridiculous!! But a nice thought...even though the future scares me because I have no idea what I want to do. On one hand I want to go off to Africa or some random place for a few years and just completely immerse myself in helping other people and totally being God's worker and not distracted by my life back here. But on the other hand, I don't want to move away and lose contact with all my friends and miss out on potential relationships with people. And If I do go away for a few years...I will be like 24 when I come back...and then I will want to settle down but I would like to settle down before that and hopefully get married and work as a physiotherapist or something of that nature....and then have kids eventually...and I know God has it all figured out but it would nice to know what is in the plans. But I guess that takes away from ther surprises of life huh?
But you know what really scares me....dying. I used to think, it's just dying and I will be with God and in a better place, just singing His praises and worshipping until all hours of the night...but actually leaving earth is a crazy thought...because heaven is going to be totally different...and even though the earth has some bad aspects, I like it. And I know it can't even begin to compare to heaven but yeah....it's comfortable here and I everyone I love is here...and I don't know.....why am I rambling? I could be sleeping....mmm...sleep sounds good. Okay, AND SCENE.

Its hard to collect your thoughts when you mind is blank...

Holy mother....this week-end was absolutely nuts. I am running on empty but not at all either. It's weird. First off, it was so great to see everyone again even if it was just to say hey and that obvious question of "how are you doing?" Ack....I kind of hate doing that because I would rather have a real conversation with someone than just the surface stuff we continue to talk about. But I did get to have some good conversations with Lauren and my sis and Ange so that was good. And I realized that I need to let go of a lot of crap that I am holding on to. Like my hurt from this summer and my frustrations with boys and my loneliness. But I'm not sure how to do it...I have asked God to take these things from me and just fill me with His love and pure joy but so far I just keep dwelling on stuff and wondering what went wrong.
***Public Service Announcement: The TFK Concert was absolutely amazing and I love it and it was awesome and the best thing about this week-end, by far!***
And as I write this I feel like Ryan from the skit...which is funny. But I guess we are all just trying to find our way...or rather His way. Sorry .....I'm out....I gotta get some sleep....peace out

I am all sweaty...

SICK!!! I just rode my bike home after playing three intense games of volleyball at one in the morning! Who does that?? But we won!! And that is all that matters! It was sweet playing tonight too because our team just totally gelled, even though we don't even know all of eachothers names! It was great. Team bonding is where it is at.
Oh man, so lately I have been hearing the biggest oxymorons ever:

1. From my 8:30 Anatomy class: "Several muscles are required to control the freedom of movement of the 1st digit." Control the freedom??? Does that make any sense? Can you control freedom??? I'm not convinced...
2. Yesterdays Oprah: "Be a master of fate!" How can you be a master of fate?? If fate is fate, it has no master. It will happen no matter who is controlling what? Am I right, or am I right?

So those are my thoughts for the day!! I got nothing else except for a game:
NaMe ThAt TuNe (and Band):

To you oh Lord, I lift my soul.
To you oh God, I place my trust.
Do not let me, be put to shame.
Do not let my enemies, triumph over me.

Who sings it?? And the title please!! Love you all! MUWAH

Tastes like: Strawberry/Banana smoothie
Feels like: Nice and cozy in my hoodie

So the thought for the day:
Life is way tooooo short to memorize all the muscles/nerves/arteries of the pectoral girdle!! Wow...I have alot of work ahead of me! But that is oooookay with me!! Because no matter how much work there is, I am going to have an awesome time this week-end at ATF. It is going to be awesome!! Oh baby!! So I have no idea what I am going to talk about today. Give me a sec....
I have this desire...and I don't know how to fulfill it for another three years but I want to go somewhere, really really far away!! Every time I hear of someone going somewhere on a trip, or someone is from some place (Such as I was talking to a guy I worked with today and his girlfriend is from South Africa...how cool is that???) And I want to go there not just to travel. I really want to do something amazing like dig a well in some village somewhere romote and dangerous! I think I would feel like I am doing the work of God if I did that instead of staying here and being a physiotherapist...big deal right? Ack! I just don't know how I am going to do that! It is prayer time!
I think that is all I got for now....whoever is reaing this, May God Bless you in ways you can't even imagine today! Peace out pups!

in all of my excitement

i forgot to ask you people who are for sure reading this how do you spell joy
do you spell it m o n e y
do you spell it f r i e n d s
do you spell it r a c h e l
haha lemme know

In Joy Life....

so today i went to this church here in the loo and it was awesome very contemporary which was great and what i am used to today they started a new series on joy and not just normal joy or natural joy but the divine joy you can only get from God and it got me thinking about my joy and how much i dont have i have tons of joy at camp but that is so easy to have because of the atmosphere but here not so much i tend to complain about things and be pretty pessimistic and not so smiley anyways about this divine joy it is deeper than anything you can get from material things and nothing can take it away and i really want this kind of joy there are four mindsets that they went over that we need to work on and the one i chose to work on is the single mind set the bible verse is for me to live is Christ and to die is gain and it asked is my lifes greatest joy to please God and i dont think mine is right now because that would involve every action or decision i make or word i say brings joy to the Lord and i can guarantee you mine dont so that is what i will be questing after until i obtain this divine joy that can never be taken away wish me luck

We will stand together to the end

What a great song by Michael W. Smith. Quite a comfort. Puts a smile on my face. So, what I have been working on for the past 21 days is finding my purpose in life. And so far...it is going well. I have learned alot about why I was put here in this earth, to glorify God (which I already knew) but that I am His child and I make Him smile. Which is a huge deal!! To make the Creator and Sustainor of this earth smile!! What a huge responsibility too!! Which is why I think we all crumble sometimes. Taking the narrow path of life is the challenge of a lifetime. And I have definitely struggled with that like nobody's business. I've made really bad decisions and continue to do so, but it is okay, because God loves me no matter what crappy things I do or say. Thank goodness for his mercy! I tell ya, we would be up shit chreek without a paddle if it weren't for Him. Ha, this song by Whitney Houston goes, "If tomorrow is judgement day, and I am standing on the front line, and the Lord asks me what I did with my life, I can say, I spent it with You"...now her "you" isn't refering to the Lord but my "you" is. Ahhhh...peace....wonderful peace. Shalom!

I don't get this...

WHAT THE HECK??

Just what the doctor ordered....

Lo and behold....I go to turn off my screen for the night and I notice a friend has an address posted to go to. So I go to the site and it seems like a pretty good idea. To be able to just type out what you are thinking about.....what is driving you insane or some random thing that pops into your head. I think I like this. Right now I am so freakin' tired that I will probably not write anything other than what I just wrote. Sorry to disappoint on the first night....but yeah....that is what you can come to expect from a tired and sleepy student...wow I am boring. Okay, good night. P.S. I will get better at this. I promise.