....tumbling....

i feel alone tonight....and i miss my family like whoa. i need a secret place here...i want to be alive in this moment but i can't seem to find the energy or the want to. i have so much to do but all i want to do is go home and lie in my homebed and go to sleep for a day or two. i think i need a good cry. i almost cried when my roommates asked me if i could go anywhere in the world, where would it be...and i said home. and it is weird because i am never homesick...a free-spirit is usually how i am coined...but not tonight...not this week. i need a break from everything. work. school. everything. i need a hole. where's a shovel? Lord God.....why do i feel like this? where has my smile gone? i want it back. i want to feel beautiful. where did that come from? who knows. i think this life is hard one...especially when you are living as a christian..there is so much to remember and do...and it is usually totally opposite from everything you know as a human so you have to re-learn stuff and get into the habit. even praying has to become a habit or else it slips your mind....and that must be absurd in God's eyes....sheesh. how do i reach them? how do i get them to listen to You? why do i have no drive for school? i want to go somewhere....do actual work for you...instead of this stuff that will get me to serving you...but it is the little stuff we do that serves you...ack. why doesn't he talk to me anymore? doesn't show me that i still matter to him? did the summer mean nothing? i want you to be everything to me....haha, rachel, the trucker's wife...good times. i'm late....why??? i hope it isn't serious. just come. be all my desire...may i be refined in your fire?? please! done

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God wants to help me let go of anything in my past that keeps me from finding joy in Him.

Agreed.

Praise The Lord!!

Oh baby!! One of my roommates just came into my room and sat down and picked up this Knowing Jesus Personally book that was sitting on my desk and was looking through it. And I just was like "you can read that you know...go ahead and take it and if you ever have any questions come and talk to me and I will try to answer them" and so she took The Case for Christ with her!! I am so excited!! Now I have to pray like nobody's business for her that God will put something in her heart to work on and that I can be a good model for her and help her! Wow! Please pray for me! Thanks!

Most awkward week-end ever...

Wow....I feel like a complete ass. When people give me the hint that they are busy that week-end and things just "came up", I should really take it as a hint that they don't want me to come over...Honestly, if you don't want me to come over, TELL ME!!! It turns out that a very good friend that I visited this week-end, who I had hoped might possibly be more than friend in the future (I've liked him for as long as I have known him), has had a semi-relationship (nothing official) going on for two years...TWO YEARS!! And he never told me...never mentioned her or took it into consideration when I told him I liked him. And they just happened to find eachother on Saturday night and I was there too...oblivious that they were into eachother until they start holding hands in the car!! Can you say awkard? To top it off I spent the whole night with his friends who I don't really know and they are all joking around and I got nothin' to say because they don't know me and I don't know them.....ACK!! What a kick in the pants!!! I am so done with relationships....it is truly time to be satisfied by being single and satisfied with God and trusting that He will fill my needs completely, like nobody else can. Nobody else can, Rachel, nobody else can.

Newspapers are HUGE downers

I read in the papier today that a family of 7 kids and their mother died in a house fire in Niagara region this week-end. Can you imagine? All of them....and they couldn't get out...not one. I don't get how a fire that big can just start and noone had a chance. I can't wrap my head around it. Brutal. I know God isn't in charge of the bad things that happen in this world...and somehow we are supposed to use our hurt and pain to help others and such, but I don't see what good can come of this...and I think I am an optimist by nature but I just can't see the positive side to this....sheesh. I need a clementine. Much better. I think I need to start watching the news more often...or actually read the paper because I...haha, lots my train of thought, my roommate Courtney is making a horrible noise about hating her life because she has a midterm, a paper due and a presentation tomorrow....BRUTAL. Well, I do believe it is shower time. I shtink. Night y'all.

Deeper

I really enjoy the Deeper band! Great CD, I recommend it highly. Anywho, what have I been up to......alot of work!! Wow...there is just not enough to sleep, ever. I have a group sport psych papier due on Monday, which I only have to write one paragraph for but I keep putting it off...I am dumb. So tomorrow is the day when it will get written. I have also been working on reading for my Intro to Cognition midterm that is next week and studying for my anatomy quiz (which went really well, I do believe!) And good news, I got 80% on my Anatomy midterm. The average was 69% so I am happy. So things are paying off, but you can definitely tell the worload has increased this year, which I don't mind. Last year was kind of a joke so this year is a challenge. Keeps things interesting I suppose. Maybe this way my dad won't think my program is a considered glorified highschool...because it definitely isn't.
So today I went to donate some of my awesome blood, and yet again I wasn't able to. Apparently you have to wait a year after you get a tatoo to donate blood! Who the heck knows this??? I sure didn't. I was quite disappointed. This is the third time I have been turned away to give blood. ...I tell ya, I try to do a nice thing and I just can't seem to succeed. ACK!
So today Halo 2 came out....and I heard on the news that people were lining up last night to get into the stores this morning to get it....RIDICULOUS!!! I have played Halo 1 before and it was just like any other video game...what is so special about it???? I don't think I like the fact that kids are playing it...or anyone for that matter...it is really violent and yeah...I do think, to some extent, that the media influences our actions...maybe not ouvertly but definitely subtly, in just how you act and things you may say or even just think. And now I have lost my train of thought.......where was I going??? OH, I got it. Even the music videos that they show, are so sexually explicit (naked girls galore!), even if you don't think it affects you, it does. Trust me. The images are stored in your memory...maybe not even in conscious memory but they are still there and can lead to some not so great thoughts and ideas. So I think we need to screen what we are watching and reading...like it says somewhere in the bible (I can't fine the verse for the life of me) to set our sights on heavenly things so that is what we will be focussed on and will think about. And I think that is all I got for tonight. Tis bedtime for this girl. God Bless you one and all!!

Blimey Watson, I think she's got it!!

Alright, so I was thinking tonight....and overanalyzing just like every girl does...and I figured out why my summer relationship didn't work....it was a combination of different things but mainly because of my first point. So here we go:
#1: Our relationship looked like everyone elses from the outside. We got into it physically very fast and that made it similar to every other secular (I don't know it that is the right word) relationship out there. And our relationship was different, we got along amazing, thought similarly yet different but it was awesome and we just gelled...and I was comfortable but in that physical aspect we were the same as every relationship he and I had had with anyone else. And it hit me tonight although he pointed it out before the summer was even over, that that was it. Our relationship was different but we didn't make it different from the physical perspective and that is basically, I think, what tore us apart. Everything needed to be different about our relationship to last the long haul instead of making it into a summer fling, which I definitely didn't want it to be. But we didn't.
And similarly #2: we didn't set boundaries in the beginning and when we did, it was too late. It was hard to go back and say, "nope, we can't do that anymore".
#3: I think possibly....because we have such a connection (we are pre-determined friends for crying out loud) that he got scared. And I was scared too...it was a big deal for me to be actually dating one of mybest friends...but I jumped into it (after alot of debating of course). And I think he did too without thinking about it (he was just waiting for me to decide) and then looked back and said "what have I gotten myself into"....and the reason why he is scared is that he is not at that point in his life to have that deep of a relationship which brings me to my next point..............
....#4: We are at different stages of our lives...I am in university (which means I potentially know what I want to do with the rest of my life...but everyday it is looking like I don't....but that is a whole new topic) and he is in an art's program. Which is awesome but he's figuring out what to do next...and I am tied up for the next three years finishing off this stinkin' degree. And it is hard to be on different levels and be thinking about a serious relationship when you have no idea where the heck you are going to be or what you are doing in the year to come.
And finally, #5: We weren't communicating. We talked about everything but what was going on. And in the last dreaded week of our "dating", we totally broke down and he avoided me for a week while trying to figure out what to do. When really, we should have been talking through it together. Communication is key.
...I felt the need to write this down and share it with people....not that I know if anyone even reads the shtuff I talk about...but anywho...I have been struggling with getting over him for about over two months now...and I needed to sort out my thoughts and this is a great way to do it and get feedback. I don't know what I hope to accomplish from this....all I know is I have to pick up the pieces and trust that God will keep care of both of us and if we happen, then we will happen and we will know what to fix. Alright, c'est fini! God Bless!