i am invested.

this is why i meddled. and if i could take it back, i would. but i can't, so all i can say is sorry.

but i just care about the outcome too much. you have no idea how invested i am. and its because i haven't told you. because i am not courageous enough.

BUT

i do not want to be your sounding board. not for your girl troubles, anyways.

SO

just notice already. will ya?

oh, to be a restless soul.

 i am getting the hankering for some travel. however, i am lacking the funds and the time. oh to be a restless soul.  sometimes i wonder if part of my restlessness is because i run away from difficult decisions and phases in life that seem to just hang (you know when people ask you what's new and you have no answer. i hate that). like, if i don’t get into med school this time around then i just want to get the heck out. but why can’t i just stay here? i love hamilton more and more, i’ve found a church (however i need to make new friends...and that takes time), all my old (and awesome!) friends are here. so why do i want to leave? its not that i don’t want to come back. coming back is the best part. maybe I just love adventure, and there is nothing wrong with that. and in my heart of hearts, i want to settle down, have a family, etc, so maybe i run away because it isn’t happening and then i can make the easy excuse for why it isn’t happening. this fact is easily my biggest struggle in life. why am i alone? i believe that God made me to be in relation with another human being on the most intimate of levels. so why hasn’t it happened? i know there probably isn't an answers for this. but seriously. why.

i also hate that it always comes back to this. this self-pitying ending to all my thoughts. its an endless cycle, to be honest. i do love my life but i want more out of it than i have right now. but i should just be content. but how do you get to that point? and then im like, if i follow the secret formula, get it right and then boom! i'll get what i want. but there is no formula. and i don't feel like i sit around waiting for my life to happen. i try to take each opportunity and make the most out of it but i still get that feeling of....there has got to be more than this. SOOOOOO....im back to the beginning. this cycle has to end somewhere. i am making myself angry while i write this. GRRRRR. 

and now i am tired. le end. 

its official.

i am invisible.

so i will now quote the song 'invisible' by taylor swift. because i want to act like a sad little teenager who is shouting desperately for attention.

let me love you, let me want you
but you just see right through me but if you only knew me
we could be a beautiful miracle, (we could be) unbelievable
instead of just invisible


wah wah wah.

untitled.

don't go running away from something your gut is telling you is good.

but does that mean you should run towards it??

in slow motion

or probably even @ a standstill.

i just read my last blog and it is still completely relevant and i still have no answer.
how am i still in the same place as i was 8 months ago?

i need to change something. i like where i am living but i feel like i am missing something. do i need to go somewhere to find what i am looking for? or can i find it here, if i look harder?

i also need to buck up the courage to find the answer to the question that i have been thinking about for SOOO long. even if i don't like the answer, an answer will certainly make me move, one way or the other.

but its easier to just sit here and wait. patiently.

flip rach. just do it. what do you have to lose?

how do you decide?

to tell someone you are interested.

i see you.

do you see me?